epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
