you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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