so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
