I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
