i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
