why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
nutella sex= disaster
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
