He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
