I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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