I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
