sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
