Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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