she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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