Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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