New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
