Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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