There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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