FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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