i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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