i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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