the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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