how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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