Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
