I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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