theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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