Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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