I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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