I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
