he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
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Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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