I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
