elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's blow job season.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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