I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
