Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize