come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
