I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.