My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
