i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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