According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
