How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
