If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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