I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
