oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
