dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
