TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
