You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome