Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
