You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
