If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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