I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
should my penis look like a turkey
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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