My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
