hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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