puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
