My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
