I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
