Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
