she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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