Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
