I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
sex in a hospital.. check
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
