I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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