We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
