I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
