I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
