even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
