If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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